Stress and Pressure

I haven't posted in a long time because my mind has been elsewhere. I guess I need to back up and explain to get you to understand these last couple of days. When Tim and I had Grace we started talking about homeschooling. We wanted it as an option when the time came. It was at the top of our list. I was more okay with it than Tim, but he too liked the idea. Last year, I started thinking about it again and for many reasons Tim and I decided it was not where the Lord was leading us. We decided to put Grace in preschool. We started our search for our choices for schooling for Grace. I looked into a bunch of different schools and ended up really liking Firm Foundations. It is at our church and it a smaller school with good curriculum. We were excited about it and were praying about it. Enrollment stared on Monday of this week. Tim and I started talking about it a month ago and really wanted to make sure this is what we wanted to do. Three weeks ago, I ran downstairs to get something and noticed the two school desks we had. We had bought both of them from a church for $5. We bought them 2 years ago thinking we would home school. Here I was staring at them. I have seen them before in the basement (since deciding not to home school), but they for some reason were saying to me..."are you sure about your home school decision?". I ignored it and moved on with life. I then found myself e-mailing friends about homeschooling - asking questions. I then started research on the Internet. I couldn't get it out of my mind. This brings us to last weekend.

Tim and I talk and decide homeschooling is a option and it is at the top of the list now. We know we have to make our decision by Monday morning. We think, talk and pray about it all weekend. Going back and forth on what we are going to do. On Sunday night, we sit down for our last talk and Tim says to me - I really feel home school is best for our family and I am really excited about it. I too agreed with him, but was not as excited, because I was scared! We went to bed with peace and was thankful for answered prayer.

I get up on Monday morning and start taking care of the kids and I wigged, I flipped, I freaked, I became a basket case. Not sure I could do it and questioning our decision. I called Tim...he still has peace and was excited about our decision. Me....not so much. We talk off an on all day about it and I am in tears half the day. We get the kids in bed and revisit the subject. We write out the pros and cons of both options. After much dicission, we decide to put her in Firm Foundations. I am numb at this point and have no opinion and Tim knows that. He makes the decision that he feels is best. I support him. On Tuesday morning I told him I would go up to the school and enroll her, but if I felt sick about it, I wasn't. He agreed. I got up there had peace and enrolled her. I thought this was the end of our schooling saga. I should know better...right?

I leave the building with peace, but still kind of numb. I was really okay with her going there. It is a great school and she will be in the same class as her best friend. I get home, get lunch on the table and the girls are busy eating and talking. I find my mind back on homeschooling. Why, Lord??? Why?? Such a roller coaster ride...I can't go up and down anymore. I call Tim and explain I have peace - I am okay with our decision, but still am thinking about homeschooling...why? He understood my concerns and said he was not mad because he too likes the idea of homeschooling.

So this brings us to today. She is still enrolled at the school and I am still okay with it. I will say this, I will be doing research on homeschooling and we are still praying if it is for us. Tim and I both feel like the decision was so deep and so heavy. I wigged, freaked, flipped out and wanted to run from homeschooling because I didn't have all my information and was not comfortable with it all. I also felt so much pressure to make such a big decision with such a short time frame. Deep in my heart of hearts I really do think we will home school. I don't understand why that all took place. I do know Tim and I have grown closer through it. I am amazed at how God has changed Tim's heart and he was so ready to HS and I was the one running!

So stay tuned and pray we have wisdom as to what is right for this family. I really am okay with either one...and so is Tim!

In all of this I am reminded ~ "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9